[ZT]English Jokes

Baby bear wants to live somewhere else
The three bears had been having some trouble recently and had ended up in family court. Mama and Papa bear were splitting up, and baby bear had to decide who he was going to live with.

So, the judge wanted to talk to baby bear to see what he thought about living with either of his parents. When he asked baby bear about living with his father, baby bear said \"No, I can\'t live with Papa bear, he beats me terribly.\"
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\"OK,\" said the judge, \"then you want to live with your mother, right?\"
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" j% j! o9 y6 C1 X; B\"No way!\" replied baby bear, \"She beats me worse than Papa bear does.\"

" i5 c, O' }) x4 MThe judge was a bit confused by this, and didn\'t quite know what to do. \"Well, you have to live with someone, so is there any relatives you would like to stay with?\" asked the judge.
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\"Yes,\" answered baby bear, \"my aunt Bertha bear who lives in Chicago.\"
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\"You\'re sure she will treat you well and won\'t beat you?\" asked the judge.

4 @) a9 E. L0 s\"Oh definitely,\" said baby bear, \"the Chicago Bears don\'t beat anybody.\"

Buy alligator shoes
A man was on holiday in the depths of Louisiana, where he tried to buy some Alligator shoes. However he was not prepared to pay the high prices, and after having failed to haggle the vendor down to a reasonable price level, ended up shouting \"I don\'t give two hoots for your shoes man, I\'ll go and kill my own \"croc!,\" to which the shopkeeper replied, \"by all means, just watch out for those two \"ole boys\" who are doing the same!\".

So the man went out into the Bayou, and after a while saw two men with spears, standing still in the water. \'They must be the \'ole boys\' he thought. Just at that point he noticed an alligator moving in the water towards one of them. The guy stood completely passive, even as the gator came ever closer.
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& U! \4 B* Z" u9 B! k* d) a; w- H+ a6 ]Just as the beast was about to swallow the him, he struck home with his spear and wrestled the gator up onto the beach, where several already laying Together the two guys threw the gator onto its back, where-upon one exclaimed \"Darn! This one doesn\'t have any shoes either!\".

There was just a dog fight
A man walks into a bar one day and asks, \"Does anyone here own that rottweiler outside?\"

\"Yeah, I do!\" a biker says, standing up. \"What about it?\"

4 ^6 p5 Q6 S9 u% S7 a% m\"Well, I think my chihuahua just killed him...\"
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\"What are you talkin\' about?!\" the biker says, disbelievingly. \"How could your little runt kill my rottweiler?\"
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7 D% O5 ~6 \6 N1 S\"Well, it seems he got stuck in your dog\'s throat!\"

A guide to walking tigers
( P4 M: j0 p' Y2 e/ h- zTigers really are as big and poofy and soft as they look, and they purr like a freight train going by. You find this out by taking one for a walk. To take a tiger for a walk, you first need a tiger. Tigers fresh from the bush are not recommended for the inexperienced. What you need is one who\'s used to the procedure. He or she is thus liable to be merely playful, rather than actively irritated. You also need a friend, whom you really, really trust. The friend carries an apple wood cane; apple, or some other wood which will bend under stress rather than shattering. This, friend, is your backup, and the cane is his or her only tool for everything, from knocking stuff out of the way that the tiger is liable to eat, to crowd control, to hooking on and madly hanging on if things go wrong.

( p; v1 p5 q( dWhat YOU carry is a ten foot length of pass-link chain. This is your leash.

Pass-link chain is the stuff where the links will fit through each other. This is important. You need this so you can hook on a safety clip. The chain is looped about the tiger\'s neck and acks as a giant choke-chain, but the clip is there to keep a loop of some sort in case things go badly wrong. You carry the chain looped in one hand in a peculiar fashion which permits the whole length of chain to be dragged from your hand without taking your hand and/or arm with it. You practice this beforehand till you\'re sure you\'ve got it right.

: Q: [/ Q) c- M. C6 F9 E+ {Then you go into the cage with the tiger. Your friend does not. You gauge the tiger\'s mood and put the leash on the tiger. There isn\'t a whole lot more to say about this step except to say that that is why your friend is there, OUTside the cage. On your side is the fact that the tiger knows what the leash is for by this time and presumably is largely in favor of the idea.
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This is where you find out that tigers are soft and poofy. They are also much, much larger than you had ever dreamed, when you\'re standing next to one.
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Then you take the tiger for a walk. Your friend walks in front with the cane to clear the way. You walk with the tiger at your side, keeping pretty good control and letting the tiger know that you are Paying Attention, because if the tiger thinks you are not Paying Attention, it will do what housecats do, let you know that you should be Paying Attention. Unlike housecats, the tiger is big enough not to have to do anything truly outrageous to rectify the situation. Reaching behind you with one forepaw and sweeping your legs out from under you is generally considered good enough by most tigers. They think this is hilarious. To this extent, tigers differ from housecats in that they seem to have a sense of humor.
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$ L6 [- Y' T1 D2 Q, _It is possible that the tiger will see something that it wants. In this case, the tiger will go where it wants to go, and your job is to stop it. This is generally done by wrapping the chain around something that you pass, as the tiger drags you away. This will slow it down enough for your friend to jump on top of you and grab the chain as you go bulleting across the countryside. The weight of two adult humans will generally slow a tiger down enough to make things manageable, whereas one will not.
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5 C& K& ^4 x( y  y# g( Y! t& m* kIt is not usual for the tiger to react to freedom by turning around and turning you into fajitas, though this would actually (at least in the short term) be an eminently practical thing for the tiger to do. They enjoy their fun but are generally not ill-tempered. If they are they don\'t get taken for walks.

They also purr like a freight train passing. Experts in the field claim that this is not purring, that it means something else, but you couldn\'t put it by me. Sure sounded like purring, at 16-2/3 RPM, but it sounded like purring.

All in all, an experience I highly recommend as a lifetime source of cocktail party conversation, but it sort of tends to leave you limp for the rest of the day.

The amazing flying dog
; u2 m* D1 Y) T3 p7 u; |A woman is out looking for a pet, and so she\'s trying the local pet shops. She walks into a small pet shop and explains her need to the attendant. He thinks for a moment and then says, \"I\'ve got just the thing for you madam. I\'ll just get him.\"

/ h5 w8 G: S) q) Y$ E! jWith that, he disappears into the back of the shop, and returns a few seconds later with a cute little puppy. \"This dog is a special dog,\" he tells her. \"It is able to fly,\" he explains, and with that throws the dog into the air. It immediately begins to float gracefully around the shop.
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" Z* {2 D7 p% d4 w\"There is one problem with him, however. Whenever you say \'my\', he\'ll eat whatever you\'ve mentioned. Watch. \"My apple!\" The lady watches in astonishment as the dog zooms over to the shop attendant and furiously devours an apple he has produced from his pocket.
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\"He\'s cute, and so unusual. I\'ll take him,\" she says, and a few minutes later she is on her way back home with dog to show her husband.
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2 _; T/ ]6 o6 ]4 ?. h$ O\"Darling, look what a clever pet I bought today!\" she exclaims when she gets back home. \"He can fly!\"

The husband peers at the dog, and then remarks, \"Fly eh? Ha! My foot!\"

An amazing talking dog
$ _$ u0 h* O* {: m4 C& x. l5 ^6 oA man and his dog walk into a bar. The man proclaims, \"I\'ll bet you a round of drinks that my dog can talk.\"
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Bartender: \"Yeah! Sure...go ahead.\"
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2 E- G4 Q" T; `# n% \# a# }Man: \"What covers a house?\"
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" h$ r! U  T4 B- Q# p0 NDog: \"Roof!\"
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Man: \"How does sandpaper feel?\"
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Dog: \"Rough!\"
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0 }8 y# Q0 T. W. t+ X+ ~1 ~Man: \"Who was the greatest ball player of all time?\"

Dog: \"Ruth!\"

3 |% _! D' |4 n) Y: L+ j  u% ~- QMan: \"ay up. I told you he could talk.\"
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The bartender, annoyed at this point, throws both of them out the door. Sitting on the sidewalk, the dog looks at the guy and says, \"or is the greatest player Mantle?\"

They\'re boasting about race records
' `' K2 j, R6 s8 T: z& u. XSome race horses staying in a stable. One of them starts to boast about his track record. \"In the last 15 races, I\'ve won 8 of them!\"

7 B( [1 ]$ y* e, v0 }Another horse breaks in, \"Well in the last 27 races, I\'ve won 19!!\"

" n2 \( z4 d6 U\"Oh that\'s good, but in the last 36 races, I\'ve won 28!\", says another, flicking his tail.
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At this point, they notice that a greyhound dog has been sitting there listening. \"I don\'t mean to boast,\" says the greyhound, \"but in my last 90 races, I\'ve won 88 of them!\"

! h, n, |  M2 L& _The horses are clearly amazed. \"Wow!\" says one, after a hushed silence. \"A talking dog.\"

He is a very smart dog
I went to the cinema the other day and in the front row was an old man and with him was his dog. It was a sad funny kind of film, you know the type. In the sad part, the dog cried his eyes out, and in the funny part, the dog laughed its head off. This happened all the way through the film. After the film had ended, I decided to go and speak to the man.
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\"That\'s the most amazing thing I\'ve seen,\" I said. \"That dog really seemed to enjoy the film.\"

, n4 e' }1 f0 a( I( s0 [# JThe man turned to me and said, \"Yeah, it is. He hated the book.\"

The preacher buys a parrot
A preacher is buying a parrot.
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) \6 z" S2 o" \) ~; [  B\"Are you sure it doesn\'t scream, yell, or swear?\" asked the preacher.

\"Oh absolutely. It\'s a religious parrot,\" the storekeeper assures him.

\"Do you see those strings on his legs? When you pull the right one, he recites the lord\'s prayer, and when you pull on the left he recites the 23rd Psalm.\"

$ b. k  ^; e& y\"Wonderful!\" says the preacher, \"but what happens if you pull both strings?\"
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5 t4 i1 |* X* C1 H6 V7 v\"I fall off my perch, you stupid fool!\" screeched the parrot.

A cat\'s dictionary
Purring: Sound of a cat manufacturing cuteness.
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. C8 g, k- K1 W  I- L9 \0 ?Purrverse: Poem about a strange kitty.

$ u4 A# f0 Q3 v7 m$ lPurranoia: The fear that your cat is up to something.

; n$ {1 M# x9 S8 A7 nHuman being: Automatic door opener for cats.
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Purrpetual: Everlasting love for domesticated felines.

Purrson: A male kitty.
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Purrpetual motion: A kitty playing.