[ZT]English Jokes

白色吸血天使 · 发表于 2005-10-4 19:38:02

Steven Wright on dogs
The other day, I was walking my dog around my building...on the ledge. Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I\'m afraid of widths.

I had a dog once. I spilled spot remover on him, and now he\'s gone.

I put contact lenses in my dog\'s eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.

I bought a dog the other day... I named him Stay. It\'s fun to call him... \"Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!\" He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing. He\'s an East German Shepherd.

白色吸血天使 · 发表于 2005-10-4 19:38:32

A game of animal football
The animals were bored. Finally, the lion had an idea. \"I know a really exciting game that the humans play called football. I\'ve seen it on T.V.\"

He proceeded to describe it to the rest of the animals and they all got excited about it so they decided to play. They went out to the field and chose up teams and were ready to begin.

The lion\'s team received. They were able to get two first downs and then had to punt. The mule punted and the rhino was back deep for the kick. He caught the ball, lowered his head and charged. First, he crushed a roadrunner, then two rabbits. He gored a wildebeast, knocked over two cows, and broke through to daylight, scoring six.

Unfortunately, they lacked a placekicker, and the score remained 6 - 0.

Late in the first half the lion\'s team scored a touchdown and the mule kicked the extra point. The lion\'s team led at halftime 7 - 6. In the locker room, the lion gave a peptalk.

\"Look you guys. We can win this game. We\'ve got the lead and they only have one real threat. We\'ve got to keep the ball away from the rhino, he\'s a killer. Mule, when you kick off be sure to keep it away from the rhino.\"

The second half began. Just as the mule was about to kick off, the rhino\'s team changed formation and the ball went directly to the rhino. Once again, the rhino lowered his head and was off running. First, he stomped two gazelles. He skewered a zebra, and bulldozed an elephant out of the way. It looked like he was home free. Suddenly at the twenty yard line, he dropped over dead. There were no other animals in sight anywhere near him. The lion went over to see what had happened. Right next to the dead rhino he saw a small centipede.

\"Did you do this?\" he asked the centipede.

\"Yeah, I did.\" the centipede replied.

The lion retorted, \"Where were you during the first half?\"

\"I was putting on my shoes.\"

白色吸血天使 · 发表于 2005-10-4 19:39:04

These chickens want books
A pair of chickens walk up to the circulation desk at a public library and say, \'Buk Buk BUK.\' The librarian decides that the chickens desire three books, and gives it to them...and the chickens leave shortly thereafter.

Around midday, the two chickens return to the circulation desk quite vexed and say,\' Buk Buk BuKKOOK!\' The librarian decides that the chickens desire another three books and gives it to them. The chickens leave as before.

The two chickens return to the library in the early afternoon, approach the librarian, looking very annoyed and say, \'Buk Buk Buk Buk Bukkooook!\' The librarian is now a little suspicious of these chickens. She gives them what they request, and decides to follow them.

She followed them out of the library, out of the town, and to a park. At this point, she hid behind a tree, not wanting to be seen. She saw the two chickens throwing the books at a frog in a pond, to which the frog was saying, \"Rrredit Rrredit Rrredit...\"

白色吸血天使 · 发表于 2005-10-4 19:39:34

Top 9 Signs Your Cat Has Learned Your Internet Password
9. E-mail flames from some guy named \"Fluffy.\"

8. Traces of kitty litter in your keyboard.

7. You find you\'ve been subscribed to strange newsgroups like alt.recreational.catnip.

6. Your mouse has teeth marks in it... and a strange aroma of tuna.

5. Hate-mail messages to Apple Computers, Inc. about thier release of \"CyberDog.\"

4. Your new ergonomic keyboard has a strange territorial scent to it.

3. You keep finding new software around your house like CatinTax and WarCat II.

2. On IRC you\'re known as the IronMouser.

and the #1 Sign Your Cat Has Learned Your Internet Password...

1. Little kitty carpal-tunnel braces near the scratching post.

白色吸血天使 · 发表于 2005-10-4 19:39:57

I\'ll use my seeing eye dog
A blind man with a seeing eye dog at his side walks into a grocery store. The man walks to the middle of the store, picks up the dog by the tail, and starts swinging the dog around in circles over his head.

The store manager, who has seen all this, thinks this is quite strange. So, he decides to find out what\'s going on. The store manager approaches the blind man swinging the dog and says, \"

ardon me. May I help you with something.\"

The blind man says, \"No thanks. I\'m just looking around.\"

白色吸血天使 · 发表于 2005-10-4 19:40:22

A frog calls a psychic
Recently, the Psychic Hotline and Psychic Friends Network have launched hotlines for frogs. Here is the story of one frog and his discussing with his psychic.

A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and is told, \"You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you.\"

The frog says, \"This is great! Will I meet her at a party, or what?\"

\"No,\" says the psychic. \"Next semester in her biology class.\"

白色吸血天使 · 发表于 2005-10-4 19:41:16

Two angry neighbors
Two neighbors had been fighting each other for nigh on four decades. Bob buys a Great Dane and teaches it to use the bathroom in Bill\'s yard. For one whole year Bill ignores the dog.

So Bob then buys a cow and teaches it to use the bathroom in Bill\'s yard. After about a year and a half of Bob\'s cow crapping in Bill\'s yard; being ignored all the while, a semi pulls up in front of Bill\'s house.

Bob runs over and demands to know what\'s in the 18-wheeler.

\'My new pet elephant,\' Bill replies solemly.

白色吸血天使 · 发表于 2005-10-4 19:41:56

Two roaches having a discussion
Two roaches were munching on garbage in an alley when one engages a discussion about a new restaurant.

\"I was in that new restaurant across the street,\" said one. \"It\'s so clean! The kitchen is spotless, and the floors are gleaming white. There is no dirt anywhere--it\'s so sanitary that the whole place shines.\"

\"

lease,\" said the other roach frowning. \"Not while I\'m eating!\"

白色吸血天使 · 发表于 2005-10-4 19:42:51

Nine things dogs don\'t understand
1. It\'s not a laugh to practice barking at 3a.m.

2. It\'s wrong to back Grandma into a corner and guard her.

3. He shouldn\'t jump on your bed when he\'s sopping wet.

4. The cats have every right to be in the living room.

5. Barking at guests 10 minutes after they arrive is stupid

6. Getting up does NOT mean we are going for a walk

7. Just because I\'m eating, doesn\'t mean you can.

8. If you look at me with those big soppy eyes, I\'m not going to give in and feed you. NOT NOT NOT. Oh, ok, just this once.

9. No, it\'s my food....Oh alright then, just a small piece.

白色吸血天使 · 发表于 2005-10-4 19:43:24

Three very tough mice
Three rats are sitting at the bar talking bragging about their bravery and toughness.

The first says, \"I\'m so tough, once I ate a whole bagful of rat poison!\"

The second says, \"Well I\'m so tough, once I was caught in a rat trap and I bit it apart!\"

Then the third rat gets up and says, \"Later guys, I\'m off home to harass the cat.\"

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[ZT]English Jokes

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