[ZT]English Jokes

白色吸血天使 · 发表于 2005-10-4 19:19:39

Investigating a terrible accident
There was a terrible bus accident. Unfortunately, no one survived the accident except a monkey which was on board and there were no witnesses. The police try to investigate further but they get no results. At last, they try to interrogate the monkey. The monkey seems to respond to their questions with gestures. Seeing that, they start asking the questions.

The police chief asks, \"What were the people doing on the bus?\"

The monkey shakes his head in a condemning manner and starts dancing around; meaning the people were dancing and having fun.

The chief asks, \"Yeah, but what else were they doing?\".

The monkey uses his hand and takes it to his mouth as if holding a bottle.

The chief says, \"Oh! They were drinking, huh??!\" The chief continues, \"Okay, were they doing anything else?\"

The monkey nods his head and moves his mouth back and forth, meaning they were talking.

The chief loses his patience, \"If they were having such a great time, who was driving the stupid bus then?\"

The monkey cheerfully swings his arms to the sides as if grabbing a wheel.

白色吸血天使 · 发表于 2005-10-4 19:20:14

This dog is acting bad
While waiting for a bus, the blind man\'s dog decided to go to the bathroom all over the blind man\'s legs.

A passerby commented to the blind man, \"What! That dog just went to the bathroom all over your legs, and you are petting him?! Are you crazy?\"

To which the blind man replied, \"Madam, I am not petting him, I am feeling for his bottom, so I can kick him.\"

白色吸血天使 · 发表于 2005-10-4 19:22:26

The plumber has arrived
A lady was expecting the plumber; he was supposed to come at ten o\'clock. Ten o\'clock came and went; no plumber; eleven o\'clock, twelve o\'clock, one o\'clock; no plumber.

She concluded he wasn\'t coming, and went out to do some errands. While she was out, the plumber arrived.

He knocked on the door; the lady\'s parrot, who was at home in a cage by the door, said, \"Who is it?\"

He replied, \"It\'s the plumber.\"

He thought it was the lady who\'d said, \"Who is it?\" and waited for her to come and let him in. When this didn\'t happen he knocked again, and again the parrot said, \"Who is it?\"

He said, \"It\'s the plumber!\"

He waited, and again the lady didn\'t come to let him in. He knocked again, and again the parrot said, \"Who is it?\"

He said, \"It\'s the plumber!!!!!!!!\"

Again he waited; again she didn\'t come; again he knocked; again the parrot said, \"Who is it?\"; \"Aarrrrrrgggggghhhhhhh!!!\" he said, flying into a rage; he pushed the door in and ripped it off its hinges. He suffered a heart attack and he fell dead in the doorway.

The lady came home from her errands, only to see the door ripped off its hinges and a corpse lying in the doorway, \"A dead body!\" she exclaimed, \"Who is it?!\"

The parrot said, \"It\'s the plumber.\"

白色吸血天使 · 发表于 2005-10-4 19:23:31

A dog\'s chalkboard assignments
This list of chalkboard assignments may be used for your dog when he does not behave well. The below variations and choices will help you pick an assignment. A. Fill in the blanks

1. [xxx] is not food.
Spiders; bandaids; ivy and airplane plants; Xmas ornaments; the carved jack-o-lantern; plants from the aquarium; cat litter box contents; laundry detergent boxes (esp. not when full!); toothpaste (tube and all); remote controls; linoleum; eyeglasses; books; stockings; the tar shingles on my house; chicken wire; bizarre plants; disposable razors; rocks; Lego; dirty Kleenex; the baby\'s used diaper; Christmas stockings; soda pop cans; fiberglass insulation stuffed up the chimney; the underwear in the clothes hamper; Mommy\'s hair accessories; Mommy\'s catnip teabags; unopened honey packets; staples; Christmas stockings; credit cards, CDs, and other thin plastic things.

2. I will not lift my leg to the [xxx].
Anything growing in the vegetable garden; house corner; new boyfriend; mailman; woodstove; subordinate pack members; Grandma\'s plush chair; the conformation judge; good-looking neighbour man that Mommy is trying to impress; Daddy in the lawn chair.

3. I recognize that [xxx] has a right to exist.
The humans\' shoes; the human\'s cats; the aquarium; 3rd grade art projects (even if they are made of macaroni shells); the other dog(s); the TV remote control; the human\'s little humans; the bath mitt; Rolling Stone magazine; large patterns on wallpaper;

4. [xxx] is not a toy.
The humans\' shoes; the human\'s cats; the humans\' pet cockatiel; newly planted iris bulbs; pillows and blankets from the bed; laundry (dirty OR clean); aquarium plants; stuffed animals from on top of the chest of drawers; pillows and blankets from the newly made bed; the hose that\'s filling the kiddie pool; the humans\' Nerf footballs; human\'s underwear; Mommy and Daddy\'s ferrets.

5. I will not chew the [xxx].
Human\'s homework; human\'s papers s/he has to mark; remote control; cardboard around the laundry detergent; handles to the lawn tools; garage door; kitchen cabinets; food left within reach on the couch; the mini-human\'s *full* bottle even though it conveniently fell in front of me from the crib; horse\'s new saddle; wall; carpet; deck; couch; sofa cushions; expensive paperbacks.

6. I will not bark at [xxx].
Plastic bags on the ground; the new plow blade on my owner\'s truck when it is parked; the wind; thunder; the road grader; Daddy\'s new Santa bear toy (which was innocently sitting on a chair, and had been there for hours before Molly noticed it and took umbrage); tissue paper being blown along the floor by air from the furnace; the spring doorstop when I or the kid flips it and makes it go DOooiiiiinnnnnng; my mother\'s clean laundry thrown on top of the bed, even if the room is dark and it looks like someone sleeping there; the ball I just pushed into an inaccessible crevice all by myself; the fox/skunk/cat/deer out in the yard at any time after midnight, especially on a work night; the fire hydrant on the corner when out for a walk at night; the car radio; the answering machine lady when she says the date/time; the ice cube that slid under the fridge; the rawhide chewbone that I\'m making no headway on; absolutely nothing (especially after 11 PM).

7. I will not dig [xxx].
Under the stove (and through the linoleum); under the sidewalk until it collapses; the carpet; a hole under the porch and then get stuck under it; under my master\'s pillow at 2 AM to retrieve the bone I hid there earlier; a swimming pool in the back yard;

白色吸血天使 · 发表于 2005-10-4 19:24:17

Ten Signs That You\'re At A Bad Zoo
1. When no one else is looking, you swear that the monkeys are mocking you.

2. The Bears exhibit is nothing more than the guys cut from the football team during training camp.

3. The stripes on the zebra tend to peel away in the heat.

4. The Zookeeper always wants to take the Rhino for a walk.

5. The Lion in the lion cage closely resembles the one from The Lion King.

6. The alligator in the Reptiles exhibit is nothing more than the University of Florida\'s Mascot.

7. If you deposit 50 cents, the giraffe will magically appear and talk to you.

8. Ask the Tour Guide too many questions and you\'re suddenly dipped in some sort of sauce and placed in the Tigers den.

9. The Elephant appear to be two guys in a two part Elephant suit.

10. Two words: Hippo Dogs!

白色吸血天使 · 发表于 2005-10-4 19:25:15

A human\'s chalkboard assignments
This list of chalkboard assignments may be used for your human when he does not behave well. The below variations and choices will help you pick an assignment for him/her.

1. I will not bathe my master after he bathes himself in the mud puddle.

2. I will not drag my master from the interesting sniffing spots.

3. I will not complain \"My arm is tired\" after only throwing the ball 20 times.

4. I will not confuse my master by throwing snowballs for him to fetch.

5. I will not ask my master to play fetch with a boomerang.

6. I will drop whatever I\'m doing and take my master out as soon as he asks me to.

7. I will get rid of those cats.

8. I will not tell my master to hurry up already when he\'s looking for just the right spot to take care of business.

9. I will make ice cream often and let my master lick the blades (rather than having to steal a lick or two).

10. I will never eat until my master has tasted what I have and approved it for me.

11. I will set up the kiddie pool every day it\'s hot - even in December.

12. I will not leave my master at home any time I go in the car.

13. I will share everything I eat with my master.

14. I will allow my master on the couch.

15. I will protect my master from that obnoxious little human thing at all times.

16. I will not have another of those obnoxious little human things.

17. I will not hide my master\'s ball in a place where I know he couldn\'t possibly retrieve it from and then ask him to go get it.

18. I will not sneak around the backyard wearing funny clothes to test whether my master is a good watchdog.

19. I will realize that all my guests are really coming to massage and stroke the master.

20. I will stop referring to my master\'s necklace as her \"collar.\"

21. I will not cut my master\'s nails.

22. I will not take shredded, soggy, yummy tennis balls away from my master.

23. I will not abandon my master for trivial reasons like \"going to work\".

24. I will not wake my master when I come home from work.

25. My master\'s desires are always paramount. My master\'s wish is my command.

26. I will not bring home any more cats.

27. I will not stare while my master is doing his business.

28. Bad weather is no excuse for not walking my master.

29. I will open the back door as soon as my master sits by it.

30. I will not laugh at my master for being confused over not being able to find the lump of ice that he buried earlier.

31. I will let my master bring the rear end of a mouse which the cat kindly gave him to chew onto the lounge room carpet.

32. I will not push my master away when she wants a hug after playing in a mud puddle.

33. I will give my masters chewies that last throughout that stupid kid\'s entire piano practice.

34. I will not feed the cat before I feed my masters.

35. I will not enter shows held in horse barns and expect my master to be obedient.

36. Dog bladders are not large.

37. I will not yell at my master for creating \"chew toys\" from found objects.

38. I will not run out of treats.

39. I will {make a turkey/stuff a stocking/buy lots of presents} for my master.

40. I will not make my master wear silly-looking antlers or red hats.

41. I will not make my master pose for pictures with some fat stranger in a red suit.

42. I will not tie leftover ribbons and bows all over my master.

43. I will not use decorations like tinsel that could be dangerous to my master.

44. I will try much harder to understand my master\'s language.

45. I will not chase my master around yelling come! when he is socializing.

46. The ornaments on the trees are balls. Really.

47. I will not ask my master to retire to his crate anymore.

48. Give and leave it are useless request, so I will stop using them.

49. I will always carry cookies and treats.

50. I will never go socializing with other canines without my master.

51. I will not take my master back to that horrid SPCA; she says it is a Christmas party but I\'m afraid she\'ll leave me there.

52. I will not order my master to get up out of the nice snow when he is obviously making snow angels and giving himself a coat conditioning.

53. I will give up any idea of dieting as it could wreck my master\'s nice comfy \"chair\".

54. I promise to leave all doors and windows in the house open as my masters might need to make a quick exit to eradicate cats from the yard.

55. I will not come home from work and feel the sofa to see if it is still warm from where my master was sleeping \"illegally\".

白色吸血天使 · 发表于 2005-10-4 19:25:44

This is one smart dog
A butcher is leaning on the counter toward the close of day when a dog with a basket in its jaws comes pushing through the door.

\"An\' wot\'s this then?\" he asked. The dog knocks the basket sharply into the butcher\'s shins.

\"You dumb dog.\" As he reaches down to smack the dog, he notices a note and a ten dollar bill in the basket.

The scribble on the note asks for three pounds of his best mince [ground beef]. The butcher figures this is too easy. He goes to the window and reaches for the dried up stuff that\'s been sitting out all day.

The dog growls at him. The butcher turns around and, glaring at the pup, gets the best mince from the fridge. Weighing out about 2 1/2 pounds, he drops in on the scale with his thumb.

\"Hmmmmm, a bit shy. Who\'ll know?\"

Again, the dog growls menacingly. \"Alright, alright,\" as he throws on a generous half pound. He wraps it out, drops it in the basket, and drops in change from a five. The dog threatens to chew him off at the ankles. Another five goes in the basket.

The butcher is quite impressed and decides to follow the piddy pup home. The dog quickly enters a high-rise buildings, pushes the lift button, enters the lift, and then pushes the button for the 12th floor. The dog walks down the corridor and smartly bangs the basket on the door. The door opens, and the dog\'s owner screams at the dog.

\"Hey, what are you doing? That\'s a really smart dog you\'ve got there,\" comments the butcher.

\"He\'s a stupid dog--that\'s the third time this week he\'s forgotten his key.

白色吸血天使 · 发表于 2005-10-4 19:26:28

Never talk to the parrot
Mrs. Peterson phoned the repairman because her dishwasher quit working. He couldn\'t accommodate her with an \"after-hours\" appointment and since she had to go to work, she told him, \"I\'ll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dish washer, leave the bill on the counter, and I\'ll mail you a check. By the way, I have a large rotweiler inside named Killer; he won\'t bother you. I also have a parrot, and whatever you do, do not talk to the bird!\"

Well, sure enough the dog, Killer, totally ignored the repairman, but the whole time he was there, the parrot cursed, yelled, screamed, and about drove him nuts.

As he was ready to leave, he couldn\'t resist saying, \"You stupid bird, why don\'t you shut up!\"

To which the bird replied, \"Killer, get him!!!\"

白色吸血天使 · 发表于 2005-10-4 19:27:28

Question and answer animal jokes
Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a kangaroo?
A: Holes all over Australia.

Q: What do you get if you cross an elephant with a whale?
A: A submarine with a built-in snorkel.

Q: Why did the elephant cross the road?
A: Chicken\'s day off.

Q: Why do elephants have trunks?
A: Because they would look silly with glove compartments.

Q: Why do elephants drink so much?
A: To try to forget.

Q: How can you tell if an elephant is getting ready to charge?
A: He pull out his Diners\' Club card.

Q: What do you get when two giraffes collide?
A: A giraffic jam.

白色吸血天使 · 发表于 2005-10-4 19:27:54

Question and answer animal jokes
Q: Diner: I can\'t eat this chicken. Call the manager.
A: Waiter: It\'s no use. He can\'t eat it either.

Q: Which side of a chicken has the most feathers?
A: The outside.

Q: What do you get when you cross a parrot with a centipede?
A: A walkie-talkie, of course.

Q: Have you heard of that disease that you get from kissing birds?
A: Chirpes. It\'s one of those canarial diseases. I hear it\'s untweetable.

Q: Why don\'t they play poker in the jungle?
A: Too many cheetahs.

Q: What is the difference between a cat and a comma?
A: One has the paws before the claws and the other has the clause before the pause.

Q: Where do dogs go when they lose their tails?
A: To the retail store.

Q: What kind of dog tells time?
A: A watch dog.

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