[ZT]English Jokes

白色吸血天使 · 发表于 2005-10-4 19:28:56

A snail buys a fast new car
There was once a snail who was sick and tired of his reputation for being so slow. He decided to get some fast wheels to make up the difference. After shopping around a while, he decided that the Datson 240-Z was the car to get. So the snail goes to the nearest Datsun dealer and says he wants to buy the 240-Z, but he wants it repainted \"240-S\".

The dealer asks, \"Why \'S\'?\"

The snail replies, \"\'S\' stands for snail. I want everybody who sees me roaring past to know who\'s driving.\"

Well, the dealer doesn\'t want to lose the unique opportunity to sell a car to a snail, so he agrees to have the car repainted for a small fee.

The snail gets his new car and spent the rest of his days roaring happily down the highway at top speed. And whenever anyone would see him zooming by, they\'d say \"Wow! Look at that S-car go!\"

白色吸血天使 · 发表于 2005-10-4 19:29:51

Question and answer animal jokes
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To show the armadillo that it was possible.

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To get away from Colonel Sanders!

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road twice?
A: Because it was a double-crosser.

Q: Why did the Iraqi chicken cross the road?
A: To take over the other side.

Q: Why did the chicken cross the playground?
A: To get to the other slide.

Q: Why did the chicken cross the beach?
A: To get to the other tide.

Q: Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
A: Chickens hadn\'t evolved yet.

白色吸血天使 · 发表于 2005-10-4 19:30:39

Cow on train tracks
A passenger train is creeping along, slowly. Finally it creaks to a halt. A passenger sees a conductor walking by outside.

\"What\'s going on?\" she yells out the window.

\"Cow on the track!\" replies the conductor.

Ten minutes later, the train resumes its slow pace.

Within five minutes, however, it stops again.

The woman sees the same conductor walk again.

She leans out the window and yells, \"What happened? Did we catch up with the cow again?\"

白色吸血天使 · 发表于 2005-10-4 19:31:34

A very insulting parrot
This elderly lady, recently widowed, decides to see if a pet will ease her loneliness and goes to the pet store. She decides against puppies, kitties, etc., and is about to leave the store when she hears a voice saying, \"My, do you look lovely this afternoon, madam.\"

She turns around quickly to see who has spoken, but there is no one. All she sees is a big green parrot, resting on his perch in his cage. \"Did you say that?\" she asks.

\"Why, yes, I did!\" he replies. \"And may I add that dress is a very nice color for you.\"

The lady suddenly realizes how nice it would be to not only have a talking parrot, but one that paid such nice compliments. So she pays for him and takes him home. On the way, she says, \"You know, I am so proud of you that I believe I\'ll take you out for dinner! Would you like that?\"

The parrot says, \"Why yes, that would be delightful. I know a charming place on 7th Street.\"

So they arrive home and the lady progresses upstairs to her room to change for dinner, bringing the parrot along, of course. When the woman enters the building, the parrot begins complaining, swearing, and even bit her once.

Well, the woman is flabbergasted! She grabs the parrot by the throat, marches down the stairs into the basement, and stuffs the parrot in the freezer. She leaves him there in the freezer for five long minutes before taking him back out. The parrot is very cold.

She says, \"Well? Have you learned your lesson? I will not tolerate such language in my house!\"

The parrot says, \"Okay, okay, I promise it won\'t happen again. I am deeply sorry.\"

Within five minutes, he is cursing again and bit her once on the arm and once on the finger.

The lady is absolutely stunned. She rips the parrot out of his cage, goes down the stairs, into the cellar, and, slam, into the freezer. This time, she leaves him in there for fifteen minutes.

When she finally takes him out, the parrot is one step away from death. He is shivering and has light frost on the beak. \"I swear it will never ever happen again! I will never insult you again! I promise!\" As he thaws, he looks up at the lady and says, \"I do have one question though. That turkey in there, what\'d he do, attack you?\"

白色吸血天使 · 发表于 2005-10-4 19:32:32

Cat technical support problems
This is an actual account by a worker at a technical support and service center. One particular customer had an old console-type machine with a print head that would ride back and forth on a spiral shaft. They also had a big bushy cat who liked to sit on the edge of the printer next to the operator.

Well, one day we got a service call that said, \"Cat caught in machine, come quick!\"

When I arrived I saw everyone sitting around mending their various wounds, scratches and contusions. No sight of the cat. It appears that while they were running the machine the cat was twirling his tail in his usual fashion and stuck it down into the printer at the most inopportune time and got sucked in! Apparently, the cat absolutely freaked out and clawed at everyone who came close. They finally freed the cat, and to this day, the cat goes nowhere near the machine.

白色吸血天使 · 发表于 2005-10-4 19:33:44

Cat technical support problems
This is an actual account by a worker at a technical support and service center. One particular customer had an old console-type machine with a print head that would ride back and forth on a spiral shaft. They also had a big bushy cat who liked to sit on the edge of the printer next to the operator.

Well, one day we got a service call that said, \"Cat caught in machine, come quick!\"

When I arrived I saw everyone sitting around mending their various wounds, scratches and contusions. No sight of the cat. It appears that while they were running the machine the cat was twirling his tail in his usual fashion and stuck it down into the printer at the most inopportune time and got sucked in! Apparently, the cat absolutely freaked out and clawed at everyone who came close. They finally freed the cat, and to this day, the cat goes nowhere near the machine.

白色吸血天使 · 发表于 2005-10-4 19:34:58

The story of the bats
Two vampire bats wake up in the middle of the night, thirsty for blood. One says, \"Let\'s fly out of the cave and get some blood.\"

\"We\'re new here,\" says the second one. \"It\'s dark out, and we don\'t know where to look. We\'d better wait until the other bats go with us.\"

The first bat replies, \"Who needs them? I can find some blood somewhere.\" He flies out of the cave.

When he returns, he is covered with blood.

The second bat says excitedly, \"Where did you get the blood?\"

The first bat takes his buddy to the mouth of the cave. Pointing into the night, he asks, \"See that black building over there?\"

\"Yes,\" the other bat answers.

\"Well,\" says the first bat, \"I didn\'t.\"

白色吸血天使 · 发表于 2005-10-4 19:35:41

I think that I\'m a chicken

Psychiatrist: What\'s your problem?

Patient: I think I\'m a chicken.

Psychiatrist: How long has this been going on?

Patient: Ever since I was an egg!

白色吸血天使 · 发表于 2005-10-4 19:36:24

Question and answer animal jokes
Q: Why do hummingbirds hum?
A: Because they don\'t know the words.

Q: Where does a blackbird go for a drink?
A: To a crow bar.

Q: Why was the crow perched on a telephone wire?
A: He was going to make a long-distance caw.

Q: What did the chick say when it saw an orange in the nest?
A: Look at the orange mama laid.

Q: Is it good manners to eat fried chicken with your fingers?
A: No, you should eat your fingers separately.

Q: Why do hens lay eggs?
A: If they dropped them, they\'d break.

Q: Why do seagulls live near the sea?
A: Because if they lived near the bay, they would be called bagels.

Q: Diner: Do you serve chicken here?
A: Waiter: Sit down, sir. We serve anyone.

白色吸血天使 · 发表于 2005-10-4 19:37:37

Two fools are about to go flying
Two morons stand on a cliff with their arms outstretched. One has some budgies lined up on each arm, the other has parrots lined up on his arms.

After a couple of minutes, they both leap off the cliff and fall to the ground.

Laying next to each other in intensive care at the hospital, one moron says to the other, \"I don\'t think much of this budgie jumping.\"

The other moron replies, \"Yeah, I\'m not too keen on this paragliding either.\"

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[ZT]English Jokes

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