[ZT]English Jokes

You could feed them a lot faster
There was once a man from the city who was visiting a small farm, and during this visit he saw a farmer feeding pigs in a most extraordinary manner. The farmer would lift a pig up to a nearby apple tree, and the pig would eat the apples off the tree directly. The farmer would move the pig from one apple to another until the pig was satisfied, then he would start again with another pig.
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. a% P+ n9 v9 a0 q0 n. N4 A/ ]The city man watched this activity for some time with great astonishment. Finally, he could not resist saying to the farmer, \"This is the most inefficient method of feeding pigs that I can imagine. Just think of the time that would be saved if you simply shook the apples off the tree and let the pigs eat them from the ground!\"
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The farmer looked puzzled and replied, \"What\'s time to a pig?\"

Answering machine message 179
Hello? (Pause. Roommate\'s voice C\'mon, Matt, we\'re gonna be late! -- Hold on, there\'s someone on the phone! Hello? -- C\'mon, dude! -- Hello? Aaah, whatever... BEEP

Answering machine message 197
This is Frank. You can leave me a message, but I must warn you I get annoyed with messages that are hard to read. So please use your shift key appropriately, avoid overdoing punctuation, and spell-check your message, or I might ignore it.

Answering machine message 228
" L% y/ h; b* M. Z/ F, @, P! T(Noisy pick-up of phone.) Hi, I\'m a burglar and I was just about to steal Troy\'s answering machine. If you give me your name and number I\'ll... Uh, I\'ll post it on the fridge where he\'ll see it. Uh... By the way, where did you say you live?

Answering machine message 24
; ]7 u" ^. I6 zComputer generated voices:

1: Hello, there are no real people here to answer the phone right now.

* v; X' [8 v! J7 }, y+ {& n: y2: Yeah, nobody but us machines!
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! M: j1 w2 e* }8 l( T6 I& @1: Right, just us machines, but don\'t hang up! If you like, you can leave your name and telephone number...

7 |3 f' k* ~, {6 T9 N. G2: ...and a message! You forgot about the message!

. c9 z. b7 T  |' E  v+ L. Z1: Right. Leave your name, telephone number, and a brief message after you hear the beep, and we will keep track of this stuff until the real people get back.

( d0 J3 P+ T) }3 f4 G2: ...unless of course, sombody pulls out our plug!

Answering machine message 23
, R; ?$ R4 q1 Z4 F  O) rHello. You are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through the office and don\'t need their picture taken. If you\'re still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.

Answering machine message 196
2 I; m. S# I- g  ]7 e6 sWe\'re sorry. You have reached an imaginary number. Please rotate your phone 90 degrees and try again.

Answering machine message 53
* \5 d  P1 g6 |$ \2 IThis is Walter Cronkite. Bren\'s not here right now. He\'s out on a date. The idea of Bren entertaining a girl with his basketball theories and computer knowledge over dinner at Taco Bell should scare the hell out of you. He\'ll probably be home soon, so leave your name and number and he\'ll call you back. Deal with it.